I see and feel your children’s pain. It breaks my heart, and I know it does yours. Through the years, I’ve had more children come in feeling like their parent(s) don’t care about them while living in the same household. Many times, this is because their parents choose their own parents, siblings, a sport, or addiction(s) over them. What the emotionally unavailable parent doesn’t realize is their child needs emotional availability and a genuine interest in their daily lives. Without this, the boy or girl may feel alone, uncared for, and confused. If we don’t catch it, the pattern will repeat. We don’t want that. We want to help you protect your lineage with confident, secure, and loving children growing into and in adulthood.
Now, we can coach our child’s team until the cows come home, but what kind of emotional availability are we providing?
Are we sitting and listening to our children?
Are we interested in what they are interested in and building them up in themselves and their future? If not, we must start as soon as we can, please.
Say you have a son. And, his father makes decisions for his son and his household based on the traditions and opinions of his siblings, parents, and friends. This leaves the wife and children out. Lonely spot for them, huh?
This creates a great deal of insecurity for the young male, because a young male gets his security from his father. If the young male grows up to be insecure, it is due to the father, usually.
He, the father, has preferred his own interests and his extended family, friends, addictions, or anger more so than creating a relationship with his children. The child feels alone and frankly the wife will also.
Speaking of anger — the father, perhaps, gets in his son’s face, because he is not living up to his extended family’s expectations which the father lives by. This leaves the son feeling less than and like he can do no right.
Here, the father is wrongly following the standards, opinions and expectations of his friends and extended family. The child feels second to his father’s object of affection, such as addictions, anger, aunts/uncles, and anything else he makes the center of his attention. This creates confusion in the child. They don’t know who to follow. The dad’s family or the dad; leaving a duplicity and dichotomy of the mind for his son. This fragmentation makes it difficult for his son to think, live, and make decisions. He may always be looking over his shoulder, pushed to defensiveness and fearful of not pleasing his father. In this instance we are talking about a young man who craves his father’s approval.
The father will be disappointed in his child and perhaps even his wife, if they don’t abide by his extended family’s morals, ethics, and traditions. The son or daughter feels inadequate or unworthy.
This child somehow tries to follow his father who is following another man. This proves the father is not his own man, and the wife and the abandoned child know this and struggle greatly.
Now, this is not for all of the children. In another instance if you have another son who perhaps rationalizes his independence, he may have no need for his father’s approval. It will be rare, but it happens.
Well, what about the wife in that situation? What does a woman truly want? She wants a man who leads himself with her and not following his friends, brother, sister, and/or parents.
When the son’s father follows the others, the wife then feels insecure as well. The overall effect is leading her to overcompensate in loving their child within his emotionally starving state. Then, the young child grows up and struggles in making decisions, because they either got an “in your face a-talking-to” by their father when he was embarrassed of him or did not live up to the expectations of his father’s extended family. He was possibly even ignored. Both are painful. And, the whole extended family, including his father, are very disappointed that the little boy is not much like him. This is sad.
The best thing the little boy can do, who is now a man, is to remember the people who do love him and choose to love without fear:
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18 NIV
FEAR IS A THIEF
So, boy, get up, without fear, and love life, your children, and your world around you. Control yourself, because the anger, fear, and sadness that is inside of you has you feeling more lost than found. This proves to be a waste of your time. So, love your father on earth and in Heaven and find your own way. Forgive your earthly father for being a little boy himself and falling to everyone else’s expectations.
Now, son, you have connected with your father on earth, and perhaps only tasted the connection with your Heavenly Father. Your Heavenly Father, trust in Him. He will never abandon you. Now, I know you can’t touch Him, but that’s okay. You will get used to His call, His voice, and His word. Prayer is a primary factor and understanding of the Word of God as applied will begin to teach and guide you and your children back to your Heavenly Father.